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Bistrotheque

Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough? No seriously, try us. Firstly you'll never find this place because you're just not cool enough. Secondly even if you do, you'll probably run away screaming because there's no proper signage and you'll be too scared to risk a spontaneous walk-in. Never mind that, if and when you do make it inside you won't know who any of the freakily dressed arty types are... they won't play any songs you've heard of... and you'll probably start crying because you want your mum. We meanwhile, will be sat inside, tucking smugly into our posh fish and chips, and trying to decide if this new foray into east London boozery is already over. Unlucky. Losers.

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