The great London Primark pilgrimage
There's no better way to spend a shining Sunday morning than tubing it to central London in a 27 degree freak heatwave, crammed nose-to-fetid-armpit against someone who smells like their Oyster has most definitely gone off, only to then queue for an hour round the block waiting for a clothes shop's shutters to lift. As well as getting unfashionably sunburnt on the back of the neck to boot.
But these ain't just any old shutters. The first window on your advent calendar; the gates of heaven; the back door of a taxi at 4am on the dodgy streets of Dalston... none of those holy door openings can rival the moment when the first cracks of light pierce the entrance of Oxford Street's hallowed new Primark flagship store.
Never mind the scorching weather; Itchy, together with the rest of the aggravated hordes, was in heat for thrifty threads. Impatient females humped against the barriers like frustrated terriers, eager to make a mate of that lusted-after floral maxi dress displayed just behind the glass frontage. And with so much potential rivalry to grasp the limited edition six quid aquamarine handbag to one's bosom and make it thine own, the tense sense of customer competition was palpable. Women squared their shoulders, manoeuvered wheelie cases into tactical blocking positions and gripped the guide rails tightly, making their place in line well known. We swear we saw one lady cock her leg and scent her spot with territorial musk. Any attempts to spark up conversation to pass the time were greeted with unwilling grunts; now was not the time for idle chit chat. Minds were focussed on hit lists and department strategies, intent on purchasing the dream consumer haul that breeds a deep, long-awaited feeling of self-satisfaction - the kind that simply doesn't come from working a day job.
Itchy had our own game plan to ensure our visit to this sweaty fashion factory was maximally rewarding. And since we can trust you guys (just about), we're willing to share our tips...
1/ Be prepared to supersize – Primark often stitches small to cut fabric costs. You may well need to buy a size or two larger than normal, especially with closely-fitted garments. Bear in mind that cheap clothes tend to be more liable to washing shrinkage, too, so your brand spanking new jollies could end up suitable only for dollies. And there was you thinking the tightness meant that Swedish enlarging pump you got off the internet had finally started to show results.
2/ Keep it simple – Although Primark is great for basics, avoid really distinctive articles unless you don't mind entering the clone zone. Be prepared for your mates to mistake at least four other people for you on a night out. However...
3/ Work the eBay value of rarities – if you have a little spare cash to invest, it's well worth snapping up all the much-hyped key garments you can lay your hands on, even if they're not in your size. Items that are hot magazine favourites can sell for a fortune on eBay, especially to countries where the good ship Primark hasn't yet dropped its faux-gold anchor. The high turnover means that editions disappear fast and once they're gone they're gone, so even shoppers in Blighty are sometimes prepared to pay more for a press-marked 'must-have' that's out of stock at their local branch. A gold sequin dress that was the glossies' flavour of the month a while ago made wily eBayers up to five times what they'd paid for it. Scout through your mags and run a quick Google to see what people are after and what they're willing to dish out for it before you hit the rails.
4/ Prepare yourself for changing room agony – If you look very closely in the top right hand corner of Breugel's painting of hell, you'll notice a Primark changing room. Queues for these babies are as long as your arm (provided you've been subjected to torture on a stretching rack for the last decade). They're also about as private as Page 3. Arrive in clothes that are quick and easy to get in and out of in a hurry, and decent underwear in case you'd rather have a quick T-shirt trial run on the shop floor instead. May we also remind you again of Point 1: Primark cut small. It's almost worth the hassle of buying a top in two sizes, trying them on at home and returning the one you don't need rather than queuing for aeons and then having to ask the person in the cubicle next to you if they'd kindly help remove you from an asphyxiating vest you've got stuck on your face.
5/ Personalise – Sling on badges, neon spray paint, iron-on patches, rips, pins – anything to turn your fiver's worth of identikit purchase from 'sheep' to 'black sheep'. Itchy has recently had success gluing old calculator buttons to a top, and cutting fake bullet holes into a waistcoat, complete with comic book blood. It's cheap enough clobber that you can afford to experiment. Oh yeah. Itchy's a regular Blue Peter badger.
Start your unhealthy addiction to gloriously low-priced, tacked-together tack at the Primark flagship store, 499–517 Oxford Street, London, W1. Open Mon–Fri, 9am–9pm; Sat, 9am–8pm; Sun, 12pm–6pm
del.icio.us 
digg 
newsvine 
reddit 